What I say!

Hi there, Diamond Glamour Girls,

How many times have I looked at someone and thought one thing and said another. How many times have I wanted

From the person I was with. Maybe it wasn't for things. Maybe it wasn't for money. Maybe it was just that I needed compassion from the person. Understanding or just a hug. My child died this year and I had to listen to the men that had cursed tell me how great he was. I had to hear the same men pray to the God I pray to after telling me what a terrible mom I was.

With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so.

James 3:9-10 NKJV

This scripture came to mind. I know we make mistakes. We are sinners saved by grace. Grace, beautiful, wonderful grace. To know Gods grace is to fall in love with His word. 

What does a woman say when she losses a child. Other than help me God. Forgive me God, I must have really I sinned. If I really thought that way then I would not believe in grace. I don't know how I will live the rest of my life. He was suppose to have a few years without me constantly watching him so he could mature into the young man you wanted.

Now, I am left here knowing that the grace that I showed others was not enough, the prayers I said were not enough, the love I gave was not enough, the lessons I taught was not enough, the grace you have was not enough. He left earth November 12, 2014.

Do I curse now? Is it okay? Will I be justified, if I show you I am angry, hurt, upset? Is this what you wanted me to learn? Your anger? Should I be angry? How angry do I have to get. Psalm 77 I was studding and asked a friend to help me study when it hit. 

Does studying your word come with such a big price? Then no one would study it. Does asking someone to help you, mean you lose the word you understand? How can I explain to you my feelings? Although your word clearly explains how we are to deal with emotions. 

I could get angry at God, then I am less of a woman. If God thought I should have this then He would also give me an understanding and equip me with the power to deal with it and the financial resources. My God is not only able he is willing. Then why does man curse you with their tongue and praise you with it too. It's like the sex addict or the alcoholic who says to his wife "I'm not having an affair", "I'm not an alcoholic." then the neighbor catches him take pictures show it to the wife and its denied. Or the alcoholic that tell the congestion they quit and people see him at the local brewery. They speak what the person wants to hear. Is it your truth?

Is your anger mean or is it like the "Father, who corrects his child with his word, in love." My father never spanked me. I learned young His word was enough. His word was enough. Again I ask why does men do that? Speak with and curse with?

Gossip or Dog?

Hi there, Diamond Glamour Girls,

I awoke this morning with the usual desire to attend church. Have you ever felt that way? The funny things about attending church is something I loved to do. We all love things we can't have. The book the "Holy" book, the one I based my life on since childhood has finally left me feeling a little over questioned on my integrity level. How many of you Proverbs 31 women have been questioned about the intention in your heart, or asked to make someone else better than you.  As Christian "Saints" we are called. I decided that sainthood was a little to costly for me, therefore I am okay with the choice of sin I have. I gossip. I talk. I tell. I tell you the reader the pain I feel. The abuse I have sustained am substantiating. My failure, my hopes, my dreams, the purposeful intent of one person to take it upon himself to sabotage God's purpose for my life. Therefore, let start by asking you to do what I have been asked to do for others my whole life. Pray for me.

Gossip:  Defined by Urban Dictionary as: Exaggeration or fabrication of a story, regarding somebody other than the tale bearer, in the absence of this person who is being discussed - for the malicious purpose of demeaning, slandering or tarnishing this person's reputation.

"I used to be good friends with this bitch for like 6 years, and when we had a fallout, she went around gossiping all of my personal shit to people behind my back."

Confession: "I use to love attending church and serving until I got pit bull dogged." That's what I was told it was called. 

Discovering the dog of a person as a servant is a little taxing on the spirit, lets not talk about how it affects the family life or, the finances. It is when God opens the years of "His" servant in a way, that even that servant can't speak. The pain is greater than the ability to cope with the desire to fight like a man and dick the dog out! Is something I didn't know how to do. 

The truth is How does a Proverbs 31 woman deal with it. She ask for Grace constantly. For me it was a realization that my servant-hood was official over. Here is the deal, you serve because you are called and then you resign because you are called. You don't tell others how you feel because it will not produce good fruit. Now I am a gossip and not producing good fruit anyway, therefore why not talk about it. Maybe now it will all be prayed over by others and "Grace" will exist once again. 

A women who has been beaten is not exactly going to go out and become the life of the party, therefore I am not sure what God wants for me. Praying for a home, food enough to eat, a place to lay my head that isn't filled with others desires, but God's will for my own life. How does one re-discover this? A business that would support me financially and help my children get out of debt because their mother was having problems with their dad and asked for mediation and returned answer the attorney he wanted a divorce. This was not the answer I expected after 38 years of being together. Not exactly up for serving anyone other than making the "God of Finances" responsible for the new debt she has that she never wanted. Did we talk about what was wrong? Did he ask? NO! Divorce was all he wanted. That should have been all he got. That's what I got. I could be one of those bitter women who whine and complain. That is also who I am Not.

Convict me of the sin, placed on my heart to get out of debt, not be mind controlled by those that love the dog more than the truth. When you saved those that "want" get me the hell out of the place. I am in and help me cope with the new life, I have. The life I didn't choose in the first place, but he wanted for me.  I refuse to believe a God I served can make a Proverbs 31 woman less than a man who choose the divorce in the first place.  I refuse to take responsibilities for the things forced upon me. And the desires of others that are untrue to who I am! Take this as a prayer request if you wish. I was brought up to believe that God would not give you more than you can handle, I say He has. 

I know I didn't abuse my family, and I know I am an outspoken women who believes in Righteousness, Truth and the Freedom this county offer from "Religious Prescription" okay maybe I should say Persecution. "Xanics" so you don't panic,  I think that is what the drug is called is not the solution. Lord take me off the false telephone wire and the operator of abuse and send me the relationships you promised so we can all begin to heal. From the abuse. To tell you the truth, I learned the operator and telephone wire in high school and the perv listening was arrested those years plus four other lost their life. Help! I didn't want that for anyone! Not my children, not "His" children. It should be about peace, love understanding and forgiveness shouldn't it? What about GRACE?

Before you convict me of sin, Convict the "Pitbull" on how abusive he has been in my life. Convict the person who entered who shouldn't have. Convict the person who stood by and watched the isolation that came from it, the financial crises and the emotional sadness. When you find that one then lets talk. When you tell him what he did and created let's talk. Till then, convict him of the sin you have placed in my being. Somewhere, a merciless world is not of a world filled with the "Lord', you told me to trust to pray with out ceasing. To pray for all those who had prayer request. I did, look where I am. Now it is your turn to pray for me. 

I walked away from the abuse, "I leaved and cleaved", help me live a life that is free from mental, physical, and spiritual abuse. Help me, help others. By serving in my business, it is a service based business, it never made the money of millionaires. Not a church planting business, that was what the dog wanted. I am not that type of woman, wasn't in my childhood, wasn't in my youth, wasn't in my teens, wasn't in my adulthood. Therefore, changes are I won't be that in my old age. I do believe there is a place for all things.

What happens to a Proverbs 31 woman after divorce ? Is this really God's best plan for me?